Bleacher Bloggers - The Best of the Sports Blogs

Sean Taylor's Death is a Tragic Wake-Up Call

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 15:24:37 EST

Tragedies like Sean Taylor's death are a wake-up call for pasty, coach-potato sports fans like myself. It's easy for us Morlocks to forget that professional athletes are more than just highlight reels and stat sheets (and rap sheets). We get so caught up in scanning box scores for our fantasy stats that we forget that after a game these guys go home to their families and loved ones and deal with the same issues as you and me. Sure, they file their taxes in a much, much higher bracket than us but LaDainian Tomlinson still has to cut his toenails and Tom Brady still brushes his teeth before going to bed -- and then slobbering all over Gisele.

Unfortunately, Sean Taylor's death is a terrible reminder that even larger-than-life athletes are still mortal. The circumstances around Mr. Taylor's death drive this point home even further.

According to several reports, Mr. Taylor was at home with his girlfriend and their one-year-old daughter when an intruder entered their Miami home early Monday morning. Mr. Taylor grabbed a machete and tried to defend his family before getting shot in the leg in what later proved to be a lethal wound.

That is everybody's worst nightmare. Just thinking of somebody creeping around my apartment gives me the willies and Sean Taylor also had to consider the safety of his girlfriend and young daughter. Maybe a machete wasn't the best home-defense plan, but Sean Taylor defended his home the same way he played football: aggressively.

Mr. Taylor's killer may or may not be caught but nothing will make his death anything more than senseless. But that doesn't mean we all can't take this sobering moment to remind ourselves that the athletes we draft on our fantasy teams and watch on highlight reels are people too. For all of his money and reputation as a hard-hitting NFL safety, Sean Taylor still proved to be just as human as you or me. From now on, let's at least try to remember that much.

Loser of the Week (Week 13)

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 18:22:30 EST

LET'S NOT PLAY GAMES WITH WORDS ANYMORE — MAYBE COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS OUTRIGHT WAR?

Seeing a #1 Tigers fall and another Tigers vault to #1 got me to thinking. Why do 'rebel states' have such a fondness for sharing mascots? The SEC is the only conference with matching team names, happening not twice, but four times: Georgia and Miss State Bulldogs, Auburn and LSU Tigers. Tigers, meanwhile, are also found playing in Johnny Reb locales of Memphis and Missouri. Funny, considering no where else in this division-one nation went with 'tiger' when mascot-browsing. And then little Lousiana Tech, hoping to dig out a cult fan base in an already football-flooded south, up and decided 'Bulldogs' was a winner. Sacre bleu!

Considering everyone's furious at the BCS, and that 'Bama coach Nick Saban is likening the gridiron woes to terrorist attacks and WWII bombing disasters, maybe next year college football should just go ahead and re-stage the football-equivalent of the Civil War? We could draw up teams into three massive conferences:

Union Forces Conference (UFC)
Confederate States of America Conference (CSAC)
Other Teams Conference (OTC)

UFC teams would be from states that fought to preserve the union, CSAC former Confederate states, and the rest grouped in their own also-ran mega-conference. Hence: West Virginia, Penn State, UConn, Ohio State, Notre Dame and Rutgers are UFC teams; LSU, Missouri, Clemson, Texas and Middle Tennessee State are CSAC teams; USC, Oklahoma, Boise State, UNLV and BYU are OTC teams.

Teams would play their exisiting schedules — in terms of existing conferences — but seasons would end with a four-team playoff within each conference, as determined by a BCS-stolen computer/human ratings system. The respective Union and Confederate champions would play alternately in Richmond or DC for the ugly Sears crystal national championship. The OTC would have no shot at a 'national championship.'

It's an idea anyway.

Meanwhile, alas, more bad coaching has sent the Loser of the Week (LoW) offices into another rage. The result is the print-out cheat sheet above: the LoW How-to-Run-Out-the-Clock Guidebook.

The culprit this time is the now-resigned Texas A&M coach* Dennis Franchione. Sure he went out a 'winner' — topping Mack 'Mr Football' Brown's Texas Longhorns for the second-year-in-a-row. But lost in the knee-deep hoopla, and the near fourth-quarter rally by Texas, was some damn dumb coaching. Up by eight points at midfield with 2:00 remaining, Texas A&M had a 1st and 10, and Texas had no timeouts. Instead of running out the clock (safely), Fran picked up-the-middle running plays with unnecessary hand-offs to the Javorskie 'Water Boy Hater' Lane and QB-keepers charging head-first up the helmet-clanging middle. The game was already over, Fran just didn't know it. The call gave Texas defensive lineman several swats of the ball to get the ball and play for OT. Didn't happen, but don't think it can't: Texas got ahead of mighty UCF earlier in the season with a late-game fumble, not to mention that wild 'Bama fumble that gave LSU the final lead a couple weeks ago.

The overdue 'guidebook' above tells how much time you can kill just by kneeling, assuming time outs remaining by the opponent — and that the quarterback doesn't kneel the ball out of bounds. I've estimated (very conservatively) that each down is worth 0:33 minimum (with 0:25 on the play clock about eight seconds for the play and for refs to set the ball). Again, minimum. (Hesitating in the backfield, or getting up slowly to delay the refs from setting the ball can easily milk 0:45 per play.)

Now on to actual losing.

LOSER OF THE WEEK: THE 2007 OVERACHIEVERS
Remember that part of Citizen Kane, after accepting his parties bid for governor, Charles Foster Kane left the theater with wife in arm and posed smiling for photographers? That photo marked the peak of his life. In the car afterwards, his wife leaves him, and a sex scandal leaked to the press hours later ends his campaign (snarkily using that glory-moment photo). All the promise, hope and glory, in the end, led to failure. That's a bit how the crazy 2007 season is for a host of overachievers, I fear. Teams that we should feel good about, even if they came up short: Connecticut, South Florida, Kansas, Rutgers, Virginia, Boston College, Hawaii (they'll lose next week, I bet), Kentucky...

Kansas were outmatched by an impressive Missouri, who — by the way — is historically the greatest underachiever state school in football (as determined by a ratio of lack of championship/contender performance, plus proximous metropolitan cities to recruit — St Louis and Kansas City — and no fellow in-state rival to worry about). But Kansas didn't quit — that is, other than the final kick-off (see Penalty Box). QB Reesing seemed 'starstruck' to borrow Brent Musberger's words for much of the game, yet still the team managed to keep Missouri's potent O out of the end zone their last two possessions, and racked up their 28 points in the final 20 minutes to come close to a shocking come-back. Instead of celebrating a 11-1 Kansas regular season, many fans yelled 'exposed!' to the Mangino Upstarts who staged, by far, the most successful Kansas football team history we'll ever see.

Often overlooked in the group of 2007 Overachievers, Virginia got lost under the radar all year after losing their first game to flip-offing Wyoming. Imagine that they hadn't lost that one till the last of the season? They would have been a top five team falling a couple weeks ago to lowly North Carolina State. Still in the BCS hunt on Saturday, Virginia fell to Virginia Tech.

These teams have made college football even more interesting. And they play with the spirit that is everything we at the Loser of the Week side of the stands cherish.

LoW PENALTY BOX
Kansas coaches. A noble season, yet Kansas' coaching staff get a week in the penalty box for not kicking an onside kick with 0:12 remaining and down by eight, right after Missouri tackled Reesing in the endzone for a safety. Mucus-o-phile Chase Daniel raised a lone finger to the crowd, but it was not over. The only difference, per the rules, of a 'free kick' after a safety and a regular 'free kick' at the start of a half or after a score is position on the field. Kansas had a chance for a last possession, and a 75-yard heave-ho, lateral-aganza. Why didn't they do it? (Nothing in the rules forbids an onsides kick after a safety; I checked.) Mangino, we love you, but welcome to the box.

Notre Dame/Stanford refs. When are we going to protect college players from helmet-to-helmet collisions, like the one that knocked the Stanford QB out of the game? As called for here a week ago, stricter penalties (eg ejections) would cut back on these sorts of plays.

LoW ARCHIVE

Week 12 Where to find Band-Aids

Week 11 College football, where buzzards fly

Week 10 The entire state of Florida is put on trial.

Week 9 The official Loser of the Week two-point conversion chart.

Week 8 The Curse of beating the Loser of the Week.

Week 7 Risks of men not wearing a ponytail.

Week 6 Sweet moustache and TV.

Week 5 Picking Buckeyes, thanking god.

Week 4 Things to do in Tulsa.

Week 3 The world's greatest piece of art (in Canada).

* and resigned newsletter publisher (D Franchione)

Sports Randomizer, Miami Futility Edition

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 12:01:55 EST

Tough times for Miami sports fans? Understatement of the year.

-There's nothing sadder in the sports landscape these days than the absolute misery going on in Miami. Sports fans in Miami should probably be put on suicide watch considering the Dolphins are unable to win a single game, the Heat are in such disarray with aging talent that Pat Riley thinks he can outplay them, and the once proud (annoyingly proud, even) Miami U is a joke. I'd say they could wait until baseball season, but everyone knows no one goes to Marlins games, and even if they did, they might be watching infants on the field since once you have one or two years in the league under your belt, the Marlins are no longer interested in playing you. Say what you will about your local teams, no city can claim the kind of athletic futility right now that Miami can. When the biggest sports headline to come out of your city this year is what a retired coach has to say about the Patriots, you know you're in the midst of some serious problems.

-While we are on the subject of Don Shula, am I the only one hoping the Patriots do go undefeated just so those grumpy old men will shut up and stop being so damn arrogant in every interview? If I have to hear Mercury Morris make his "in my town" analogy one more time I'm going to lose it. I typically don't care for the Patriots, but those guys are making me a fan. Please, Belichick, win them all so that these tired old men with their tired soundbites and rituals can fade away.

-Speaking of the Patriots, I get the same feeling watching this team that I got watching the '86 Bears. That feeling is boredom. Once a team hits a level like that they become so boring to watch, and that game in Buffalo Sunday night was a real snoozer. One thing is abundantly clear to me after watching this team: the only thing interesting about the playoffs will be the NFC side of things. The AFC will be a series of foregone conclusions and lopsided scores. So will the Super Bowl. The only question left to be answered this NFL season is who will be getting blown out in the big game: the Packers, or the Cowboys? Not even a wardrobe malfunction could make this one interesting, folks.

-Phil Dawson said on ESPN that he hopes the narrow victory over the Ravens Sunday will act as a springboard for the Browns season. He should realize that it should act as a wakeup call. Anytime you beat a struggling, pathetic team in disarray by a field goal (barely,) especially coming off a week where a winning effort (albeit not a winning result) was put up against a championship caliber team, it should be categorized as a letdown, not a springboard. Still, the Browns are better than anyone gave them credit for this year, but the Ravens are just bad. If your team is playing the Ravens hard to win by a field goal, something needs to be re-evaluated.

-Since I'm piling on the Ravens and their pathetic offense, let's go the extra mile. If the offenses of the Ravens, the 49ers, the Bears and the Falcons were combined, that combined offense would still be terrible. A shocking statement, but you know it's true. Perhaps even more shocking are the poor offenses in Kansas City and San Diego, with Philip Rivers suddenly looking more like a certain ex-Charger named Leaf than the promising QB he was last year. Yeah, I said it. Perhaps if these new, young stars in the league spent less time shooting commercials and more time working on their craft the on-field result would be better. Then again, Peyton Manning seems to shoot approximately 3,000 commercials and promo appearances a day and still shines on the field, so what do I know?

Loser of the Week (Week 12)

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 11:18:52 EST

IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL, DOES A BACK-UP QUARTERBACK PLAYING FOR A FAVORITE QUALIFY AS AN UNDERDOG?

The mailbox here at the Loser of the Week (LoW) offices were stuffed last week with letters of confusion, anger and, occasionally, compassion. A Pitt Panther fan wrote in, ‘This is supposed to be sports — not a vocab lesson!’ While a former New Mexico State Aggie walk-on said, ‘This is a beration!,’ perhaps thinking the word means something. The reason? Our lesson of college football lexicon last week, where the phrase ‘he’ll be playing on Sundays’ (to refer to pro potential) got tossed into our LoW doghouse: the penalty box.

LoW stands by the penalty. Considering how unpredictable this season’s been, we're even upping the ante. Many fans, jockeying for their teams’ ranking by impossibly comparing one team with another based on teams-who-played-teams-their-teams-played, are throwing out the illogical phrases such as ‘West Virginia lost to at-the-time #2 South Florida, while LSU lost to unranked Kentucky.’ Please re-read carefully.

Supposedly the best two teams at the end of the season make the BCS championship. So bravado in the chat rooms should follow suit, but only comparing ‘good losses’ or strength of schedule by end-of-the-season rankings. In the case of the somewhat fictional West Virginia Mountaineer fan above — and I’ve seen this reasoning used already — it conveniently uses the SoFla ranking back when the ‘Eers lost, then Kentucky’s likely ranking after this-week’s loss to Georgia. To quote the immortal words of belligerently moustached John Oates: 'no can do.'

Meanwhile, LoW offices are also busy tracking down the overuse of ‘pick/six’ and ‘trickeration.’

LOSER OF THE WEEK: BRADY LEAF & JOEY HALZLE
People like to say they love an underdog, but it’s not true: people only like underdogs who win. This week, yet another two teams holding their fate in their hands fell to unranked opponents: Oregon and Oklahoma. But both had their starting quarterbacks — Heisman frontrunner Denny Dixon, and the nation’s most-efficient passer Sam Bradford — fall to injury in the first quarter, on the road, at night. Does a back-up quarterback playing for a favorite qualify as an underdog?

Many people, if they were honest about it, wanted Oregon to win out and play for the national championship — simply because they looked more the part of the champion-caliber team than nearly all of the Top 10. Against a six-loss Arizona, they surely would have won with Dixon playing the full game. Leaf, the brother of the infamous Ryan, started games in 2005 and 2006, but had trouble getting more than a FG against the Arizona defense until a fourth-quarter TD drive nearly changed the momentum. Arizona held on.

OU's Halzle, a juco transfer, has only played mop-up time for the Sooners on occasion, and after three horrible quarters, stepped up in a wild fourth quarter where he threw most of his 291 yards plus two TDs. Two more times OU was within the Tech 15, but fourth-down throws were incomplete (one in he hands of OU receiver Manuel Johnson who had it briefly before it a defender knocked it loose, apparently before Johnson had possession). In all, a great loss! To add salt in the wound, OU’s star running back DeMarco Murray was hurt on an onsides kick with 0:31 remaining. Hopefully it's not serious.

Both Leaf and Halzle played well in an unenviable position.

Oregon lost 24-34; Oklahoma lost 27-34.

LoW CHAMPIONSHIP PREDICTOR
Every week’s ‘bowl forecast’ by folks like ESPN or Sports Illustrated seems to assume the top teams win out. This week will be interesting with #2 Kansas and #3 Missouri playing each other, but folks will probably say #1 LSU will play that game’s winner in New Orleans. Haven’t we learned anything?

LoW will tempt the future and sees a couple more key losses – LSU in the SEC championship, Missouri to Kansas, then Kansas to Oklahoma/Texas in the Big 12 championship, all putting West Virginia and, yes, Ohio State in the national championship.

Because no team has raised the ugly BCS crystal football twice, we at LoW won't buck the trend: West Virginia 20, Ohio State 17.

LoW ARCHIVE

Week 11 College football, where buzzards fly

Week 10 The entire state of Florida is put on trial.

Week 9 The official Loser of the Week two-point conversion chart.

Week 8 The Curse of beating the Loser of the Week.

Week 7 Risks of men not wearing a ponytail.

Week 6 Sweet moustache and TV.

Week 5 Picking Buckeyes, thanking god.

Week 4 Things to do in Tulsa.

Week 3 The world's greatest piece of art (in Canada).

Is Roger Clemens Jesus?

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 00:00:00 EST

In a move that may signal the end of Roger Clemens’ annual retirement tradition, the Rocket reportedly began talks with the Houston Astros last Wednesday about rejoining their organization as a pitching consultant. Even if Clemens decides against consulting for the Astros, I know the 45-year old still has a lot to offer.

Here are just a few new careers the on-again-off-again pitcher might want to consider:

Donald Trump's Hair
Clemens could easily step in as Trump's thinning mane since both are big and ugly but they get the job done.

Jesus
I'm not saying Clemens would be the most popular Savior ever, but nobody has come back from retirement more times than the Rocket. Plus, Adrian Peterson needs to take a breather.

Herpes Sore
Stubborn? Check. Never goes away for long? Check. A real pain in the butt? Check.

My Benefactor
In 2007 alone, Clemens pocketed $28 million. In a strange coincidence my student loans total $28 million. I'm just saying.

Major League Pitcher
You ever see Roger Clemens throw a baseball? That guy would make an awesome pitcher. He should really look into that.

How Baseball Can Solve the Replay Problem

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 12:41:30 EST

Forget the showy NFL system, MLB should shoot for invisibility.

Whenever I hear sports fans and analysts talk about the potential upcoming addition of instant replay to the MLB I get surprised by the hesitation, and sometimes direct rage, against the idea. The shortcomings of the NFL's replay system is consistently cited as a reason for such negative attitudes, but I'm going to come out and say that anyone who doesn't see the potential benefits of replay in baseball is suffering from a lack of vision and imagination.

I do understand some of the concerns. To be sure, baseball is a traditionalist's game. As many people have noted, if instant replay or cameras are used to call balls and strikes, then the game as we know it is dead and it would then become a completely different game. I don't ever want to watch a baseball game without an ump hunkered down behind the catcher calling balls and strikes. It simply wouldn't be right, no matter how perfect a computerized system could be invented to do that.

Public sentiment is finally turning towards using replay towards other uses in baseball such as determining whether a ball that bounces off the top of the wall is a home run or whether a curling fly ball edges into the foul line or pole or not. From the reports regarding the winter baseball meetings, it sounds like the owners are starting to agree as well. Some radicals, like me, are advocating using replay in limited situations (especially postseason) to determine close plays at bases and at home. I don't need to remind any baseball fan of the questionable calls in this regard in the last two postseasons.

Still, the reticence around the topic comes down to the potential of accuracy and speed, and I'm here to tell you that both can be accomplished to perfection under the correct system. Forget the NFL system. It is a bloated system that is too much procedure and ceremony and not streamlined to efficiency. In fact, with the red flags, the hoods and the announcement of the call it really has more to do with drama than anything else.

Instead, the replay system in baseball could and should be streamlined to be completely invisible. This is an age of communication technology innovation that allows for such a lofty goal. All that would need to be done is add one certified umpire to every crew who would occupy a video booth with a headset linked to a headset of the umpires on the field. This umpire could watch the television feeds and could immediately signal to the field through the headset when a call had been blown. It doesn't need to be a long ordeal, normally the bad calls are immediately apparent from just a few seconds of watching the video... sports fans know this well, when they immediately see that a call on the field has been blown by one single replay.

In situations like that where a replay immediately and clearly shows that a call on the field has been blown, the information can be quickly relayed to the field umpires via a headset. If the call is too close to be overturned by a few seconds of video review, then the play stands and the game moves on. This solves the problem of the few egregiously bad calls that happen while preserving the speed, flow and traditional feel of the game. With the recent failures of postseason calls and he questionable championships they have left in their wake, action must be taken to preserve the integrity of the game itself. When crowning a champion in this day and age where people at home can see the calls better than the umpires, steps need to be taken to ensure that the decision made is the right one, every time.

There you have it MLB. I've given you the perfect answer to your dilemma, and for free no less. Of course, the cynical side of me worries that the system baseball installs will be far less efficient and far more intrusive than this one. Recent history of MLB management decisions doesn't leave me hopeful. With the rest of MLB fans everywhere I will be holding my breath hoping they get this right, but time will tell.

Peterson Injury Highlights Viking Weaknesses

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 13:08:23 EST

With all eyes of the NFL Nation on Adrian Peterson this week expecting to see more examples of all-time greatness as we saw last week, we instead saw the frightening worry surrounding this player's durability. Which is unfair, considering the hit he took to his knee was one to lay even the most durable low. Still, with the concerns over his long-term health and the immense amount of promise built up by the first half of the season, it was a jarring moment. Luckily for Peterson and those that love watching great running backs, the injury looks to be only a matter of a few lost weeks in what looks to be a stellar career. In fact, it may have saved his career.

I say this because when you looked at the Vikings last week, one saw a worrying trend. The Vikings have absolutely no passing offense, and rather than attempt to find one, it appeared they were simply compelled to lean more and more on Peterson in the running game. Certainly there's a tendency to go with what works in the NFL, but the early concerns over Peterson's frail (by perception and from college injuries) body seemed to have been abandoned in Minnesota over the last couple weeks.

Peterson was on a pace to break records, but he may well have been on pace to irrevocably break his body also. The modern NFL certainly isn't kind to running backs, evidenced by the trend of tandem backs popping up everywhere. Look around the league at feature backs who have been around at least three years: Shaun Alexander, out. Deuce McAllister, out. Larry Johnson, out. Even the seemingly indestructible LaDanian Tomlinson isn't looking like his peak self. Running back is not an enviable position these days, and it seems the lifespan of even the great ones is getting shorter and shorter.

If the Vikings want to hitch their rebuilding to Peterson in the long-term, the need to use this incident as a warning and protect him for the future. If you look that Vikings on field, it's clear they need Peterson's legs. If you look at their website, it's clear they need the cash Peterson merchandise brings in. They need, obviously, to work on the passing game in his absence and beyond in order to stop the defensive focus on him and him alone. They need to be able to take reps off his legs by getting some positive yardage in the air. Either Bollinger needs to get really good really fast, or they need to get someone else in at Quarterback.

All this assumes that Peterson's knee is alright, and from all indications so far it isn't very severe, consisting of a partial tear to a lateral ligament. Certainly not as bad as recent ligament tears in the NFL the last three years, but every injury is unique and I certainly hope his heals and allows him to play his game. Peterson himself should take this time to visit some retired greats at his position and get some pointers on how to save his body for the long-term, a suggestion voiced by many, including Steve Young. I share his concern. This is an amazingly talented, physical running back who doesn't shy away from contact and puts every last bit of his body into every last inch of field. I certainly hope he comes back from this injury at 100%, able to play his game to the best of his ability and to continue to do so for many years.

Chowda Heads!!

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 10:26:12 EST

Um, does anybody else realize what’s going on in Boston now? Complete sports domination, the likes of which haven’t been seen in years.

The Red Sox won the World Series. The Patriots are the best NFL team since … ever. The new and improved Celtics are undefeated. Dustin Pedroia won the AL Rookie of the Year yesterday. And, it’s pretty much a sure thing Josh Beckett will win the Cy Young today.

Look. Although I’m from New York, I have nothing against Boston as a city. Faneuil Hall’s cool. Quincy Market is a nice little place to visit. The food’s good and there’s some cool tradition there too. I even think “Cheers” is the best sitcom of all time.

But, Boston fans … well, that’s another story. Geez, what a bunch of jerks. They make New York fans seem civil.

Whatever happened to the tortured Red Sox fans who played the “woe is me” card all the time? The ones who knew they were going to lose and lived in a constant state of resignation. I miss them. They’ve been replaced with Red Sox Nation – obnoxious, entitled, drunk, boisterous loud mouths who taunt opposing players and fans mercilessly.

The fact that they do it all with a really bad accent and no respect for the English language makes it even more intolerable. Hey Bostonians, here’s a heads up: In the case of someone who has relations with his female parent … there are “r”’s at the end of both of those words!

I can find no greater symbol of my newfound contempt for Boston than the biggest homer of them all, Bill Simmons. I mean, come on already, STOP! Stop working Boston into every column. You are supposed to be a national writer. Not sure if you know this, but there are other states in the Union. A whole bunch of them.

Yes, Bill, we get it. Everything Boston is great. Ortiz is the best. So are Belichick and Garnett. Bill Russell, Yaz and even Steve Grogan. Paul Revere, John Henry, the band “Boston” and probably even Daryl Boston. Enough!

Okay, I’ve said my peace. I feel better now.

Oh, crap, the Bruins are good too?!? Motha *#%!* !!

Loser of the Week (Week 11)

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 10:04:49 EST

IT'S NOT COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S TEAMS, OR PLAYERS, OR COACHES, OR UNVERSITIES THAT LOSE — IT'S US, THE BIG, DUMB, STUPID FANS

As the topsy-turvy 2007 college football season starts to wind down, brace yourself for the annual explosion of angst, bitchiness, negativity and outright ill will. It’s all because college football is the most irrational sports system in the world.

Oh, I love the game. But no other league has as many teams playing as few games, with no playoffs to determine a champion. Any mathematician would tell you our system doesn’t add up; 119 teams playing 12 or 13 games is ‘too short a field’ for a couple championship contenders to cleanly separate from the pack in a way all can accept. While no baseball fan doubts that the over-achiever Colorado Rockies deserved their slot in the World Series this year, or that Chicago Bears deserved to play the Super Bowl, or Ohio State the basketball championship… many many fans show fresh rage that Florida State (not Miami) played in the 2000 college football championship, Nebraska (not Oregon) played for the 2001 championship, Oklahoma or LSU played (not USC) played for 2003, Oklahoma (not Auburn) played for 2004, Florida (not Michigan) played for 2006.

It’s fashionable to knock the BCS system — but the problem is older than JoPa. Let's not forget that before the BCS, BYU won a national championship in a pre-Christmas bowl after having never played a ranked team. In the '40s and '50s champions were crowned before a bowl game. Some champs (eg Tennessee, Maryland, Oklahoma) got beat in a bowl game, but still stand as champ.

Other sports can debate bad coaching calls, or slip ups on the field. College football fans talk about bureaucracy.

We college football fans are rarely satisfied watching just our team play. So, we lash out against other conferences. Teams that our team will never play. If the shocker Big East front-runner Connecticut loses big, it's indicative (to Big 12, SEC and Pac 10 fans) that the entire Big East is weak. This is because we cheer the losses of a team that would be a feel-good story in college basketball — like Connecticut or South Florida or Kansas. Out of self interest. We grow increasingly cross-eyed as the season wears on: putting one eye on the other games (like upcoming key ones: Missouri/Kansas, LSU/Arkansas, Oregon/UCLA, Oklahoma/Texas Tech) and the other on our own team’s game. We complain and complain about style points, or the lack of, or point differentials, or strength-of-schedule, or whether fourth-quarter comebacks are more 'telling of champion qualities' than a less exciting domination.

This is more like gymnastics. Maybe college football needs judges?

Meanwhile, this week fans of Duck, Sooner, LSU Tiger, Jayhawk, Missouri Tiger, Mountaineer nations rose in delight on Saturday. Not because of their team's play, but because unpaid athletes in Columbus, Ohio, fell seven points short in their game.

We are scavengers. But it's not us, it's the system.

Compare college football with other leagues:

Pro baseball: 30 MLB teams play 162 games, and eight teams (or 27% of the league) go to the World Series playoffs.
Pro basketball: 30 NBA teams play 82 games, and 16 teams (53%) advance to the playoffs.
Pro football: 32 NFL teams play 16 games, and 12 teams (38%) advance to playoffs to reach the Super Bowl.
Pro hockey: 30 NHL teams play 82 games, 16 teams (53%) advance to the Stanley Cup playoffs.
Pro soccer: 13 MLS teams play 30 games, eight teams (62%!) advance to the playoffs.
College basketball: 336 NCAA teams play about 32 or so games, 64 teams (19%) advance to the basketball championship tourney.
College football: 119 teams play 11 to 13 games, and just two teams (1.7%) play in the lone championship game. No playoffs.

In all other sports here, it's impossible to argue against a team that makes a championship game. It's all performance.

If we continue to be playoff-free, perhaps college football's champion should be determined by the model of the English Premier League, which has 20 football (soccer) teams that play 38 games (each team twice) with no playoffs? At the end of the regular season, champions are unceremoniously determined by points (three points per win, one point per tie) — ties are broken by goal differential and goals scored. If still equal (and this has never happened), ties are broken by a neutral site match.

How would that look for college football? Here's our current top-six, using the Premier model, favoring point-differential as a tie-breaker:

1. Kansas – 30 points (10-0; 459 pts scored, +310 differential)
2. Oklahoma – 27 points (9-1; 450 pts, +282)
3. LSU – 27 points (9-1; 393 pts, +226)
4. Missouri – 27 points (9-1; 418 pts, +197)
5. West Virginia (8-1; 364 pts, +214)
6. Oregon (8-1; 385 pts, +187)

Meanwhile, our playoff-free system isn't just unsatisfying. It breeds negativity. Once your team loses — that is, if you’re hoping for a chance in the championship — the season becomes less about your team, but more about other teams' failures.

What a pity.

Yes, week eleven was another wild one. A number-one team fell at home to an unranked team (Ohio State to Illinois). A team fronted by toothed birds pushed a top-five contender until late in the fourth (Louisville losing late at West Virginia). The game of the week was Tuesday at Kalamazoo's Waldo Stadium, 3-7 West Michigan put up 24 in a wild fourth, and threw eight laterals to get to the Central Michigan 20-yard-line as time expired – yet lost by four. A couple teams losing their coaches this year (Nebraska, Texas A&M) played well in victory (Neb’s 73 points against Kansas State) and defeat (A&M’s pushing top-five Mizzou deep into the fourth).

But that’s just ordinary losing. Now that the last push for New Orleans' snappily named 'BCS Championship' is full-on, college football’s ultimate loser is now clear.

LOSER OF THE WEEK (LoW): College Football Fans.

LoW SUGGESTIONS:
1. Introduce [altogether now] eight-team playoff. BCS poll would determine the eight best teams. Conference winners don’t automatically qualify. Other top 25 or 30 teams could play in bowl system, a la college basketball's NIT.
2. Helmet-to-helmet penalties = ejection. Washington's Jake Locker was knocked into an ambulance Saturday, the same day the NFL instituted the wise rule suggested here. When’s the last time you’ve even seen a helmet-on-helmet hit penalized in college ball (that includes that often-shown USC out-of-bounds knock-down of the UCLA quarterback from last year)?
3. No more 'he'll be playing on Sundays.' If you mean a player will go pro, say just that. College football already plays on Sunday (if you didn't notice), as well as on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
4. Stop the hate. Brothers! Sisters! Please!

LOSER OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Week 10 The entire state of Florida is put on trial.

Week 9 The official Loser of the Week two-point conversion chart.

Week 8 The Curse of beating the Loser of the Week.

Week 7 Risks of men not wearing a ponytail.

Week 6 Sweet moustache and TV.

Week 5 Picking Buckeyes, thanking god.

Week 4 Things to do in Tulsa.

Week 3 The world's greatest piece of art (in Canada).

NFL Randomizer

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 11:11:16 EST

Any more whining for us this week, Ray?

-It's far past time to pile on the pitiful Ravens and the complete freefall they are in. Getting hammered by a Super Bowl caliber team like the Steelers on the road is one thing, getting beat by the lowly and struggling Bengals at home is quite another. Ray Lewis and the game were quick to pop off with quotes ringing with the wails of aging and hurt male pride after last week... I wonder what kind of empty boasts we will hear out of Baltimore this week.

-Grossman replaces Griese... again... seriously? At this point, wouldn't the Bears just be better off holding open tryouts for QB walk ons in the windy city? It's clear that neither one of these guys can get the job done, and when they do it's sheer "close the eyes and wing it" pure-luck plays. This quarterback debacle has gone far beyond the entertaining joke it once was. It has now crossed into a sad fiasco that is obviously killing that very talented team. Of course, the massive bust of Cedric Benson isn't helping matters either...

-No TD celebrations from TO? What is the NFL world coming to? If I can't get my childish, attention-seeking antics from Mr. Owens, where exactly am I going to go? Oh, wait, never mind... there are about a million love-starved, egotistical wide receivers in the NFL that will gladly fill that role. Perhaps we might be lucky... perhaps if even Owens himself is eschewing the tired and stale touchdown celebrations it means that the trend is dead and over in the NFL. We can only hope.

-Farve passes 60,000 yards... is this the same guy that suited up last season? For that matter, is this the same Packers team that suited up last season? Farve is on pace for a magical, storybook season to end his career. Yes, that's right... it's a typical fairytale story where the aging gunslinger overcomes all odds, gets to the Super Bowl solely on the strength of his arm and guile and then gets annihilated by the Patroits by 50 points in the big game.

-Adrian Peterson came back to earth and proved he was human, at least for one week. Single season rushing record likely gone, but still setting the league on fire. Of course, the early knock on him in the draft was that he wouldn't be able to stay healthy. For his and the Viking's sake, let's hope this isn't the beginning of proving that prediction true.

-Vinatieri misses a 21 yard field goal to win a game. I had to rewind it and watch it a dozen times just to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. How does a kicker of his caliber miss a 21 yard game winner? Someday, a biography will be written for Peyton Manning and it will be titled "Peyton Manning and the kickers who tortured him."

Cheating Invades Tennis

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 12:03:14 EST

What the ^&*! is going on with professional tennis? First, Nikolay Davydenko, one of the top players in the game, is suspected of “taking a dive” and throwing a match.

Then allegations come out that it’s not just Davydenko; but other players are throwing matches as part of some huge underground gambling ring.

Now, reports surface that German player Tommy Hass, #13 in the world, was POISOINED before his Davis Cup match with Russia. Holy crap! This is ridiculous.

Hello?? This is tennis. They wear white at Wimbledon; there’s no contact between opponents except for the post-match handshake; they eat bananas at change-overs; and the crowd isn’t even allowed to talk during points. This is supposed to be the ultimate gentleman’s game.

I love tennis. Been playing it since I was six. In fact, people give me a hard time because I always espouse its greatness. But I’m afraid I’ve run out of ways to defend the sport. When tennis players are on the take, all hope is lost is the universe.

The beautiful thing about tennis is that – in a singles match – it’s just you and your opponent. No teammates, no coaches, nobody. It’s the ultimate test of mental toughness; in my mind, unparalleled in any other sport.

But now to think players are faking injuries and losing matches on purpose! Eee-gads, what would the great John McEnroe say? (I’m sure he has a lot to say; he has a lot to say about everything) I think McEnroe would beat Davydenko upside the head with his old wooden racket if the allegations were true. That’s why there’s only one solution to this crisis.

Let McEnroe and Jimmy Connors interrogate these suspected “dirty” players. Give them 20 minutes alone in a room with each of them and see what happens. Once those profanities start flying and those rackets start getting smashed, the truth shall set us all free.

But here’s what I don’t get. If you’re looking for a sure thing in the gambling world, nobody on earth is more of a guarantee than Roger Federer. The guy never loses – except in the French Open finals – in which case you just bet on Nadal.

I mean, come on, it’s like taking candy from a baby! Or, I guess, in the world of tennis, it’s like giving poisoned candy to a baby.

When Upset Meets Obsession

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 12:42:26 EST

Insert "honeymoon is over" joke here.

Billy Gillespie couldn't ask for a worse start as the new head coach for the Kentucky Wildcats. I'm sure he was prepared for most of it: the insane expectations, the unparalleled scrutiny and the insane focus the media in Lexington, Kentucky puts on that basketball program (and hey, I've lived there and there isn't much else there to get excited about.) He probably wasn't expecting to get fried by that same media for not wearing blue during the first exhibition. Welcome to Kentucky, coach.

The color of his dress may have seemed petty, but that story is nothing compared to the shelling he is going to take after actually losing (badly, I might add) a home game to... Gardner Webb? That sort of loss won't play well in any town, but it's going to lead to a furious hellstorm of criticism in the land of the bluegrass. Basketball in Kentucky is not like sports fandom in other places. You may think your local team has local passion, but Kentucky basketball is a different sort of animal. I can count on one hand the other places in the nation where that sort of sports passion is rivaled (not coincidentally, fans of those teams are all equally hated by others.) Gillespie needs to be counting problems to fix on this team before the bottom falls out on his public support in Kentucky, because it can happen quickly and irrevocably there.

It is, in some ways, Pitino's fault that the current berserk expectations on the UK basketball program are so insanely high. Pitino, as everyone knows, cultivated a culture of winning at UK, resurrecting a team that had briefly lost that culture. Pitino's name is nearly synonymous with God (or Satan, depending on which city you are in) in Kentucky for that and his subsequent return to Louisville. Having him slowly building a championship dynasty two hours down the interstate doesn't help matters for Kentucky coaches. It's going to put an extreme amount of pressure to win now at UK, something that surely had a large part with Tubby Smith being fired. Certainly Tubby didn't help matters with his chilly relationships with players and slow, perhaps outdated method of basketball he ran at Kentucky.

Regardless of the reasons and politics of Tubby's departure, Gillespie needs to quickly get his team in shape or the same fate will assuredly befall him. To his credit, he is saying all the right things right now and squarely taking the blame... a strategy that will play well for the Kentucky media, but only for so long. His assessment in the post game was also dead-on correct: his team has a lot of fundamental problems that were exposed in that game, and those sorts of failures always point back to the coach.

Gillespie does have the tools to get over this and build a solid winning season. All reports on him are that he is a relentless workaholic who focuses solely on his job. He has good athletic talent on this team, especially Joe Crawford (who was woefully misused and underutilized in his years under Tubby,) and the remarkably scrappy and underrated Ramel Bradley. Of course, along with the downside of the pressure and media obsession that Kentucky basketball brings, he will also enjoy the immense recruiting power of the position to build for the future. If performances like the one against Gardner Webb continue, however, he may quickly find himself removed from that possible future.

2007's Most Feared NFL Players (So Far)

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 08:30:55 EST

With half of the 2007 NFL season already in the books, it’s time to take a step back and acknowledge the most feared NFL players of the year so far. You might be surprised to see who made the list.

Watch Brady shine.

Tom Brady
Not many quarterbacks can overshadow Peyton Manning but Tom Brady has been up to the task all year long while leading his Patriots to a perfect 9-0 record. Last week Brady threw his league leading 33rd touchdown and suddenly even Manning’s single season touchdown record is looking shaky with the Patriots clicking on all cylinders. Tom Brady is a man on a mission and he’s ready to shatter records and opposing defenses.

Don't worry, he's just biding his time.

Trent Green

This guy is like the T-1000 from Terminator 2. He’s been face-slammed, kneed in the head, and concussed to within an inch of his life – and he still wants to come back for more! Defenders may have an easy time kicking the crap out of Trent Green, but somewhere in the back of their heads, defensive players must be wondering if the frequent on-field catnaps are simply a facade for a robotic killing machine.

Ray's just happy to be a free man.

Ray Lewis
We're not saying Ray Lewis is the premier linebacker in the league anymore, but he has the kind of reputation that opposing players can’t ignore. Lewis is a two-time Defensive Player of the Year, but that honor is peanuts compared to the rep earned from two deaths by your hands. Ray Lewis was never charged as a murderer but if players are smart they’ll treat him like one.

They say prison changes a man. Perhaps Vick will change into a man who can throw accurately.

Michael Vick
No NFL athlete is more athletically gifted than Michael Vick, and now that he’s going to prison, Vick is entering the rarified air of feared prison athletes previously occupied by the likes of Mike Tyson.

Nobody can outrun the law like O.J.

O.J. Simpson
On or off the playing field, you don’t mess with The Juice. We’re not legal experts, but all we know is that wherever O.J. is, people get robbed or worse. Take our advice and return all your O.J. paraphernalia now before he comes after you because the U.S. legal system can’t hold this guy down for long.

Peterson leads the NFL in rushing yards and nicknames based on biblical figures.

Adrian Peterson
An innocent rookie running back may seem out of place on this list of rogues, murderers, and unstoppable killing machines, but Adrian Peterson is no ordinary rookie. You don’t get a nickname like “Purple Jesus” without breathing new life into a dead franchise. Peterson leads the league in rushing yards with 1,036 and currently holds a downright ferocious 6.6 yards per carry average. The “Purple Jesus” may not have killed anyone yet, but there are still plenty of games left in the season and Oakland is coming up in a couple of weeks.

This list is by no means exhaustive so in the comments section go ahead and make your own nominations to 2007's Most Feared NFL Players.

Peterson Blowing Up the NFL

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 11:48:35 EST

This just in: The Raiders want a draft do-over.

The one record I most wanted to be broken in NFL football was the single-game rushing record. It never quite sat right with me that Jamal Lewis got to hold that record after beating up on a sorry Browns defense. Even though they would never admit it, I'm sure Corey Dillon and Walter Payton agree. I did not, however, expect it to ever happen. 296 yards or more in an NFL game by a running back seemed almost impossible, since defenses as bad as the one Lewis ran against are rarely seen in the NFL (although the Bengals defense is working hard to set that bar at a new low -- just look at Lynch's TD run on Sunday). I certainly never expected to see a rookie break that hallowed record. I suppose even I underestimated Adrian Peterson.

That is saying a lot, because I've always been 100% sold on Peterson since college. I assumed the explosive runner would eventually go #1 overall after his breakout freshman and sophomore years in college. Approaching the recent draft, I was astounded how little draft buzz he got while teams and the media wasted their time on names like Russel and Quinn. I always found the questions about his health ridiculous. Every NFL player has questionable future health prospects, it's the nature of the game, so that line of reasoning seemed silly to me. Breaking a collarbone on a TD dive isn't a good reason to shy away from a talent of his caliber, and I'm sure NFL execs who had one of the top six picks in last year's draft agree, at least in private. Perhaps it's the common sense in me talking, or hindsight, but I'd rather have a first round pick setting records than a QB who won't even see the field in his first year or two. So why do QBs get the first picks? They are just as prone to success or failure as high profile RBs, historically.

But what of the other draft that matters, the fantasy football draft? Where are the "can't miss" picks that were hyped in the preseason... the Stephen Jacksons, the LaDanian Tomlinsons and the Shaun Alexanders of the world? They are mediocre to terrible this season, and perhaps now we will finally learn how out of sync hype and reality are in the modern NFL. Nothing, not even LT's Sunday performances, can be taken for granted anymore in this league. With the obvious exception of Brady and Manning. Those guys are always good.

Back to Peterson. This kid has not only shattered expectations of what he could do, he is shattering records and defenses with an alarming amount of talent and speed. As a rookie he is setting rushing records on a team with no passing attack and making ridiculous running numbers versus eight men in the box, consistently. This is the kind of thing that is supposed to be completely impossible in a veteran league that demands parity on offense to succeed. This is, simply put, unheard of. No one has ever rushed for 1,000 yards in the first eight games of the season, until now. No one has ever rushed for 296 yards in a game, until now. We could be looking at a new single-season rushing record here.

Now, the flood of recognition from the media and the NFL veterans is beginning. Musings from Sunday and Monday from the NFL media and soundbites suddenly had Peterson as either the best running back ever, the best running back since Jim Brown, the best running back since Barry or Emmit, or simply the best current running back in the game, depending on who you were listening to. Certainly he is the best running back in Minnesota since Walker, and that alone is saying quite a bit... I was never convinced that Walker was a mere mortal, that guy was made from an entirely different set of materials than us mere humans are. Peterson is looking cut from the same cloth. My only fear is the same as Steve Young's fear about Peterson... he may try too hard at the end of plays, and that may end up getting him hurt. Time will tell, but as Young says, if Peterson learns how to finish plays safely and save his body, then the sky is the limit.

Where Peterson places all time is irrelevant right now. What matters is we have another stellar, exciting runner in the NFL to watch. He has the same combination of speed and power that make Jim Brown highlights such a thrill to watch, and as a result, watching the Vikings isn't the borefest it used to be. If the Vikings find a passing game, they are an immediate playoff threat with such an explosive runner, but time will tell. For now, I'm watching this rookie marvel and enjoying every second.

The Essence of Crappy Coaching

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 15:55:20 EST

Tony Dungy – you are a wimp! Your Colts had no business losing Sunday’s game to New England. This is your fault, sir.

Let’s start in the first quarter. No score. Your defense has just made a statement by putting Tom Brady on his back. So it’s Colts ball again, and here comes Peyton Manning driving down the field. All the way to the New England three yard line, in fact. Fourth and goal. GO FOR IT! You are playing against the most prolific offense in NFL HISTORY! You need points. But no. You kicked the field goal. The ensuing kick off is run back to the Patriots 38 yard line. Good field position for a great offense. Thirteen plays later, touchdown Pats.

On the next Colts possession, you are faced with fourth down and goal from the seven. Again, you kick the field goal. Well, you didn’t kick it. Vinatieri did. But you told him to! This one we can all understand. Seven yards is a lot of yards. Fine.

But going back to that first decision, you were three yards away! You left four points off the board. How many points did you lose by?

Be a man. Go for it. Worst-case scenario is you have the Patriots backed up at their own three yard line. I would say that not only did kicking the field goal deprive the Colts of four more points, it allowed New England to get a big return on the kickoff and set up the touchdown drive.

Coward. The only manly thing you did all day was ignore Belichik at the end of the game. And even then you should have punched him in the gut, just for the satisfaction of every other coach in the NFL.

Luckily for you, there was an even worse coach in action Sunday. Please tell me of an NFL coach who has been worse than Norv Turner. Everywhere he goes turns into a disaster. A lifetime 62-86-1 record doesn’t accurately portray just how inept Norv Turner is. San Diego was 14-2 last season. They are 4-4. They lost to Minnesota. Come on! Minnesota has one good player. Do whatever you can to stop this man, right?

Oh Adrian Peterson ran for 296 yards. An NFL record. It’s understandable since the Chargers had to worry about Brooks Bollinger at quarterback.

Why are things so obvious to me yet so unobvious to NFL GMs? Who hires Norv Turner? Why? I could have told you from the beginning this would end badly.

Loser of the Week (Week 10)

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 11:27:53 EST

LOSER OF THE WEEK: NAVY
Yes, Navy finally beat Notre Dame — after, what, 43 straight loses — but it’s hard to consider a triple-overtime win to the Water-splashing Irish much of a win these days. Not only did Navy have to endure a questionable potentially game-ending pass-interference call in overtime, but also the ridiculous CBS broadcast with audience feed on mute and sandpaper-dry Pat Haden putting in his take with all the gusto of a dentist describing his new stationary (not to mention the NFL-style TV ad before and after a kick-off). Flipping over to the Alabama/LSU game (even in the first quarter, with Lousiana State up quickly 17-3) you could feel the Tuscaloosa energy distorting your TV speakers. But Navy quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kakeaku-Enhada, who threw the winning two-point conversion, found enough in South Bend to get the win: "The crowd was pumped up, and when they get pumped up, we get pumped up, too." I'd like that gem on a laminated card.

Navy won 46-44, and is 1-43 vs the Irish since 1963.

LOW PENALTY BOX
The last three minutes. Louisiana State coach Les Miles saved a bit of his big-game reputation with 'Bama's freak-fumble and a couple TDs in the last three minutes versus a seriously outmatched Crimson Tide. A week ago, QB Matt Ryan of BC apparently saw his Heisman stock rise (before it fell this week) for 57 horrible minutes versus Virginia Tech, and three good minutes in the unlikely win. This week, Loser of the Week asks college football to play 57-minute games.

LOSER OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Week 9 The official Loser of the Week two-point conversion chart.

Week 8 The Curse of beating the Loser of the Week.

Week 7 Risks of men not wearing a ponytail.

Week 6 Sweet moustache and TV.

Week 5 Picking Buckeyes, thanking god.

Week 4 Things to do in Tulsa.

Week 3 The world's greatest piece of art (in Canada).

NBA Opening Night Observations

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 16:00:52 EDT

Yesterday evening the NBA tipped off the first games of the 2007-08 season and I had front row seats on my couch. Here are a few of my observations.

Portland Trailblazers at San Antonio Spurs
Final Score: 106-97, Spurs win

The Spurs looked sharp in the first half, playing the kind of efficient, defensive minded basketball that's won them four championships and bored thousands of fans to tears. Seriously, they are possibly the most boring team in the NBA and not just because of their reliance on "fundamentals." Tim Duncan is the least charismatic superstar in the league (if you've seen any of his commercials you know what I'm talking about), Bruce Bowen is probably the most hated player in the NBA, and the most interesting member of the Spurs' organization is Mrs. Tony Parker. But I digress.

The final outcome was never really in doubt, but I have to credit the Timberwolves for staying close the entire game. Center/Forward LaMarcus Aldridge continues to impress with his sweet stroke and expanding offensive repertoire and fantasy owners had to be excited by his stat line (27 pts. on 12-19 shooting, 2 Blks, 3 Rebs). It's only the first day of the season, but the Wolves have to be looking forward to next year. They have a surplus of promising young talent in Aldridge, PG Brandon Roy, and G/F Martell Webster, and when man-child Greg Oden returns they could be legitimate contenders in the stacked West.

Houston Rockets at Los Angeles Lakers
Final Score: 95-93, Rockets win

Kobe Bryant showed up in a Lakers uniform last night but his 45 point performance looked an awful lot like he was trying to advertise "the goods" at the expense of his team. I'm a biased Lakers fan but even I have to admit that they looked like a mess. PG Derek Fisher was the only Laker besides Kobe to score in double digits and the team's play was ragged at best, nauseous at worst. Fortunately the Rockets were equally confused with new Head Coach Rick Adelman running the show.

After the half, the Rockets were able to move T-Mac around with greater success and maintained a single digit lead throughout most of the 3rd and 4th quarters. Both Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady looked good during this period, stretching the floor and creating opportunities for one another. It looked like Coach Adelman's offensive schemes were falling in place and the Lakers seemed completely out of it until the very last minute of the game. That's when three straight Rockets turnovers and some clutch shots by Fisher and Kobe tied the score. That's also when Duke alumnus Shane Battier decided to piss me off by nailing a three and sealing the victory for the Rockets.

Both the Rockets and the Lakers figure to contend for playoff spots in the West but based on yesterday's performance it looks like they're moving in two different directions. With T-Mac, Yao Ming, and productive play from Mike James, the Rockets look like they have the pieces to make a strong run this year. The Lakers, on the other hand, have Kobe Bryant and little else. That recipe hasn't worked for the last few years and even with a healthy Lamar Odom I don't see anything to suggest it will work this year.

Utah Jazz at Golden State Warriors
Final Score: 117-96, Jazz win

I didn't catch this game, but the highlights and stat sheets said a lot. Utah's Deron Williams is going to be a star and everyone knows Andrei Kirelinko has All-Star ability. Both of them look like they'll be putting it together this year alongside emerging big man Carlos Boozer. The Warriors struggled without team captain/enemy of the state Stephen Jackson. As long as Golden State has a healthy Baron Davis they'll be competitive but they'll be hard pressed to replicate last year's playoff success.

What do you guys think?

A-Rod's Decision is a Smart One

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 13:45:29 EDT

Alex Rodriguez is a smart guy. You don't get paid the kind of money he does without being a smart guy, with or without Scott Boras for an agent. As a smart guy, A-Rod sees the writing on the wall. That is exactly why he's bailing on the Yankees. He sees what is coming on the horizon for the Yanks, and it isn't pretty. Now if he's really smart, he'd take a pay cut and go to the Red Sox. Talk about what a reversal of a curse that would be for the new millennium. More on that later. For now, suffice it to say that A-Rod is grabbing the life raft and jumping off a sinking ship by taking his opt-out clause.

Yankees fans are probably seething already over that first paragraph. I'd be angry too, if I were one. If you put emotion aside, and look at the organization in a logical light, it is a mess at the top. Conventional wisdom, for years, held that the Yankees would get better once Steinbrenner and his manic insanity finally handed over control of the team. Conventional wisdom, despite all explanation, was wrong. As crazy as George was, at least he was decisive and proactive. The recent storylines out of New York could be a prelude of more confusion to come. Between Cashman and the Steinbrenner sons, one gets a sense that there are too many cooks in the kitchen and that the power structure is a mess.

Firing Torre didn't help matters at all. His stability in the dugout might have been able to offset the transitions, power struggles, and contradictory statements from the front office but we will never know that now. Girardi is surely qualified as a replacement in the basic requirements of the job, but can he bring the stability the Yanks need along with his savvy with young players, all while dealing with veterans that he once played with? Time will tell, but if the answer is "no," then there is going to be a world of trouble for the organization if he can't handle the pressure of managing in New York with perfect precision.

Time will ultimately tell whether the Steinbrenner sons manage to fritter away Dad's empire (I'm personally leaning towards "yes") but in the short term, things aren't looking good for any Bronx faithfuls. Cashman's expensive, aging free agent prospects have consistently underperformed, and admittedly, A-Rod's own postseason performances have been lackluster. There is hope on the horizon in the way of a youth farm movement, but for now it is still a bloated, aging lineup in the Bronx.

The irony of the whole ordeal is the torrid rise of the Sox during this Yankees downturn (and I hate describing getting into the playoffs every year as a downturn, but it is). Now if only A-Rod could take a pay cut and join the Red Sox, the ultimate sports irony would be complete. It would be the equivalent of the Ruth loss of last century in reverse, and perhaps set off (or continue, to be more accurate) a reversal of fortune with the Red Sox dominating the new millennium and the Yankees falling into cursed disarray. If there's a more perfect possibility in the category of sports irony, I'd like to hear it.

Would such a move be out of the realm of possibility? I don't see why not, assuming A-Rod cares at all about winning. Yeah, I know he probably doesn't care about that as much as the money, but for the sake of argument let's assume he does care about winning a championship. Any player who wants to win would be insane not to go to the Sox right now, if they have the chance. The Sox have balanced pitching, hitting, and defense, and an attitude that gets results when it matters. They are clearly the best team in baseball right now and could be extremely dominant next year given the passion and savvy of their front office (which is really the polar opposite of the Yankees in success over the last few years). For everyone that isn't a Red Sox fan, the possibility of an A-Rod / Red Sox deal should be a frightening possibility.

Some NBA Thoughts

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 13:02:05 EDT

Here’s what’s on my mind as the NBA tips off tonight.

Nobody likes Basketball anymore: Is it me? Or is basketball now the third most-liked sport in the country? Clearly football is King in the US (apparently not the case in England), and I would say there is much more interest in baseball than basketball these days. I’m not just talking about right now, as the World Series just ended and the NBA season hasn’t started yet. I’m saying in general, basketball fans are decreasing. It would help if the Knicks were good. It would help if the Lakers were better. It would definitely help if Kobe, Lebron, and Wade didn’t play on such boring and mediocre teams. The Cavs went to the Finals last year, but they are mediocre compared to the elite NBA teams. The Spurs are boring. Durant and Oden might as well be playing in Vancouver. Something needs to change. Perhaps the Celtics can spice things up.

Fantasy Basketball is pathetic compared to Fantasy Football: This will be my first year participating in fantasy basketball, and I want to know one thing. Why the hell should I care about FT%? That’s honestly a category. Free throw percentage! I don’t know any Fantasy Football leagues that give points for a quarterback’s completion percentage. If they exist, I don’t want to know about them.

The Hawks Should be Good by Now: It’s time for the Atlanta Hawks to stop being so pathetic. The team is filled with athletic and exciting young players, but it’s been missing a tough, fundamentally-sound player like Al Horford. Great draft pick. He is exactly what they need to have a more consistent team. It’s tough to win without a reliable scorer down low. Horford can develop into that. He’s my preseason rookie of the year. Preseason numbers: 11.3 points, 8.6 rebounds in 30 minutes per game. Atlanta might be decent.

The Spurs Will Win it All: Time is running out on the Spurs Dynasty. They aren’t getting any younger. They never have high draft picks. But Tim Duncan is still going to be great for a few more years. Same for Tony Parker (only 25) and Manu Ginobli. The Spurs will need one other player to really step up this season. It’s an unexciting roster after the Big Three. At times in the playoffs, San Antonio looked outmatched against the Suns and might have lost that series if not for Amare’s questionable suspension. Still, defense wins championships and the Spurs will do it again. This might be the last year before they have to incorporate some younger talent.

Loser of the Week (Week 9)

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 12:07:06 EDT

6 + 1 = 7, 6 + 2 = 6; LOSER OF THE WEEK's REVISED/IMPROVED LAMINATE-ABLE 'TWO POINT CONVERSION GUIDEBOOK'

Most coaches keep a cheat-sheet card around to tell them yay/nay on when to go for two. It needs updating. During the 2000 NFL season, Phil Simms, after Bill Parcells blew a two-point conversion call in a Jets vs Patriots game that cost the Jets a playoff slot, said, “Take the card and blow it up. Too often teams use it too quickly and it ends up costing them.” I agree. This is something coaches like Texas’ Mack Brown and Kentucky’s Rich Brooks should take note of.

Mathematicians have long searched out the ‘meaning of life, in terms of when you should go for a two-point conversion.’ Rutgers statistic professor Harold B Sackrowitz calls for more teams to go for two more often and at different times of the game. Math blogs like 2+2 have mathies computing the ‘expected value’ (chance of success multiplied by the value of success) and calculations wagering 'win equity' scenarios in various situations (vital bed-time reading). Often the mathies prefer going for two earlier rather than later. So if you're down 15, go for two first, so you can tie it up or go for the win on the next TD.

Such an approach assumes the opponent never scores again. To Loser of the Week (LoW)'s mind this is too risky for anything but the most defensive games. The coaches' two-point cheat sheet also doesn't differentiate between the high scoring game (aka FRENZY) versus the defensive slug fest (aka SLUG). If it’s mid third quarter and you’re behind 14-12 and you probably want to go for two; if it’s 53-51 after scoring a touchdown you may not want to go for the two point conversion.

Other cases in the coaches' cheat sheet are plain wrong, such as going for two when you’re up by four points. No! If you do, and it fails (65% likelihood), an opponent’s TD with a successful PAT puts them up by three, thus a late-game heroic FG only puts you into OT. Kentucky made this mistake earlier the season, and Texas made it against Nebraska on Saturday and it almost cost them.

Of course coaches like Brown (and Texas A&M’s Dennis Franchione) have shown blind devotion to their card. Brown once went for two up by 41 points late to Rice (to get it to an even 42) and Franchione did the same up by 22 points with four minutes remaining in a game.

In Div 1 football Saturday there were (at LoW’s count) ten two-point conversions, three succeeded — slightly under the commonly quoted averages between 37% and 42%.

Dissecting a few two-point conversion attempts this week:

Kansas, up 19-0 vs Texas A&M with 12:43 remaining. Almost cost them. They failed. Making it a 2-1/2 possession game (two TDs with two-point conversions and a FG) instead of three TDs. A&M kicked a FG with 7:20 remaining (19-3), got a TD with a two-point conversion with 3:52 remaining (19-11) then lobbed a potentially game-tying pass in the endzone as time ran out. Close call, though not necessarily the wrong one.
North Carolina State took the lead versus Virginia 29-24 with 8:24 remaining and failed on the two point conversion attempt. Right call though, if you’re guessing Virginia is more likely to get 31 points (with TD) than 30 points (with two FGs).
Arizona down 39-41 at Washington with 10:05 remaining goes for two and ties it, rightly. They go on to win.

Now back to actual losing.

LOSER OF THE WEEK: NEBRASKA
No one is having a rougher year than Nebraska. Last week athletic director Steve Pederson got fired and replaced by icon Husker coach/Congressman Tom Osbourne, who has leaked out whispers of a 'new coaching staff' for 2008. (Justifiably) embattered coach Bill Callahan — who once gave a throat-slash gesture to a ref, and called OU fans "f***ing hillbillies" perhaps forgetting his home is no longer the East Bay — said he was doing an 'excellent' job this year (having been outscored 34-122 the past three games) and blamed job uncertainty (not the five losses) for some high-school recruits changing their minds to go to Lincoln.

Next came a road game, as 21-point underdogs, versus a Texas team that had seemed to be improving after a sloppy start. Everyone expected a blow out. But with 19 minutes to go, Nebraska had stunned the Texas crowd, up 17-3, and employed a blitz/blitz/blitz defense that sent Texas QB Colt McCoy, who is prone to wobbly legs after a hit or two, out of the game briefly. Texas pulled off long runs in the fourth, and held off a Neb rally.

One-sleeved Nebraska quarterback Sam Keller cried after the game, and defensive end Ben Eisenhart said, "Four losses in a row, it sucks. But we like football." Well, liking is a start. Coach Callahan needs to go. Still it's easy to respect how Big Red lost for a change.

Nebraska lost 25-28.

LOSER OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Week 8 The Curse of beating the Loser of the Week

Week 7 Risks of men not wearing a ponytail.

Week 6 Sweet moustache and TV.

Week 5 Picking Buckeyes, thanking god.

Week 4 Things to do in Tulsa.

Week 3 The world's greatest piece of art (in Canada).

Moss' Demise Greatly Exaggerated

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 14:06:00 EDT

If you've spent much time reading my columns here over the summer, you've probably noticed by now that I tend to spend a lot of energy and column space analyzing not only sports, but analyzing the analysts that analyze sports. That is to say I spend a lot of time measuring the entirety of the sports journalist field. The predictions, the hype, the fabricated controversies, it all piques my interest. Typically, sports prognostication by both fans and analysts can be a dicey thing. A lot of predictions get made, a lot of predictions turn out to be utterly false, but most are so innocuous or blessed with enough potential to be true that it escapes notice. However, there was one prediction from this year's NFL pre-season that sounded insane then, but looks more ridiculous with each passing week.

The prediction in question was that Randy Moss would not only be a bust for the Patriots, but that his very existence in New England would shred the camaraderie and cohesiveness of the team and turn them into a miserable wreck, as Owens did to the Eagles in not-so-recent memory. From sports talk radio to ESPN to print journalism, analysts across the sports landscape were predicting gloom and doom on the Moss front, with very few voices raising the possibility that he would fit in and do fine with Brady delivering the ball.

I think it's safe to say now that Moss has exceeded even the most positive mid-summer predictions since being traded to the Pats (in one of the biggest steals of a trade ever, I might add). He is absolutely tearing up the stat page and opposing defenses with shocking ease. Now, admittedly, I've never been a huge Moss fan, and for most of his career I considered him to be vastly overrated. Just another flashy wide receiver with an attitude that wasn't living up to the mountain of hype that accompanied him. This year, I've had to admit that he's all he was ever hyped to be, and perhaps even more. The now ubiquitous "shoulder grab" from the Miami game pretty much sums it up... Moss and the Patriots have created a synergy where even the seemingly impossible now looks exceedingly simple.

This is grudging praise for me to give. In the entirety of the sports landscape, there is perhaps nothing I hate more than the Patriots. I hate that Belichick has gotten so much done in New England compared to his Cleveland days. I hate that they have dominated football for nearly a decade. I hate the tuck rule that was invented so they could get to that first Super Bowl of the dynasty. But despite my preconceptions coming in to this year regarding the Patriots, I have to admit that they are damned good. I must grudgingly give them respect.

A lot of respect, at that. They are the best team in football this year, yes. But beyond that, they might at this moment be the best football team I've ever seen in my life. Brady is flawless with his new bounty of receivers. Moss is playing with unparalleled grace and precision. The offensive line is ridiculously good, giving Brady time to eat a picnic, take a nap and sign autographs in the pocket. Even players most thought would be, at best, role players in the offense are on fire. Donte' Stallworth looked like Jim Brown against the Dolphins with the stiffarms, jukes, and spins he was showing off on long catches (yeah, I know, it was just the Dolphins, but still). Wes Welker has come out of nowhere to become a household name. Even the aging defense is looking better than advertised. The running game... well... so they have one weakness. But the hard reality is that they seem to have enough bit pieces to throw in the ailing running game to keep the train on the tracks, and that's all they need out of the running game right now. When you have a passing offense that no one can stop, even without a great running game, that's frighteningly good.

So the Moss/New England predictions turned out to be the complete opposite of the reality. The new predictions floating around about the Patriots probably won't be. Most analysts had already started the undefeated talk 2 weeks ago. It sounded a little premature then, but with each passing week it looks like they could be on to something. I thought the Cowboys would throw a wrench in the Pats march to a perfect season, but instead the Pats turned the game into a cakewalk. If the Colts can't keep up with them, then it's season over for the rest of the league, and Shula and friends won't be making that annoying champagne toast anymore.

BizarrOhio

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 11:55:10 EDT

There's something strange in the air here in Ohio. Every day, I feel as if I have awoken to a mirror universe, bizarro world existence. As if everything I know to be true about reality has been completely turned upside-down and inside-out. It goes beyond the three straight days of rain here after a summer that had me wondering if I was living in the midwest or the Sahara. No, it's far deeper than that. It's the realization of what has happened to professional football in this state. It's the realization that the Browns are no longer terrible, and that the Bengals are. It started with the extremely strange and surreal Browns vs Bengals matchup in week 2, a game that surely looked to belong easily to the Bengals before it began. Of course, the Browns shockingly won 51-45.

I thought it would be crazy at that point to declare the Bengals the better team. Surely the conventional wisdom was that the Bengals would rebound and glide to the playoffs, while the Browns would slide into their usual sub-mediocrity and plummet to the bottom of the division. No one could be more shocked than I that this has not been the case.

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: "Wait a second. The Browns are only a .500 team. That's not exactly setting the world on fire, and didn't the Bengals just come off a win versus the Jets?" Yes. This is true. But considering the blundering, incompetent way the Browns have been beginning (and ending, for that matter) their seasons for the last.... forever, it seems... this 3 and 3 start is nothing short of a miraculous Hollywood story. Anderson has come out of nowhere with great Quarterback play that has Brady Quinn controversy talk firmly out of play, for the moment at least. Braylon Edwards is not only living up to the hype of his drafting status, he's actually looking better than advertised at times to Browns fans. Even Winslow is starting to put the comedic blunders of his early NFL career behind him and starting to show some talent.

As for the second part of the above caveat, sure the Bengals are coming off a win, but it was against the lowly Jets. On top of that, the Bengals looked sorry in the first half of that game and should consider themselves lucky to be 2-4 and not 1-5. As usual, the Cincinnati defense was porous and extremely unimpressive, particularly on the play when Coles turned a short receiving gain into a walk in touchdown by breaking not one, but two converging tacklers with shocking ease. The play before that one yielded a delay of game flag on a Bengals defensive player for not allowing Leon Washington to get up off the ground after a one yard gain. It turned a third and nine into a third and four. It probably wouldn't have mattered in the end, but the two-play chain of events provided a perfect metaphor for the Bengals' defense: soft and undisciplined.

The dire straights of the Bengals can be evidenced by the mood and news following the team even following a win, with players still scrambling for answers. They know full well that barely beating the Jets isn't something that can be used as evidence of a turnaround. Rumor has it that the team is now contemplating trading Chad Johnson in an attempt to stem the tide. A move that would be highly ironic, considering that of all the problems the Bengals have, Johnson isn't one of them. He's a brilliant, albeit flashy athlete who contributes greatly to a Cincinnati offense that is still damned good, and doesn't get into off-field trouble... the last of that list obviously a painfully rare gift within that club. After all, it's obvious what the Bengals problem is, and it isn't offense. They have an offense that can win a Super Bowl, and a defense that couldn't win a single playoff game. Unless they are getting some serious defensive firepower in a Johnson trade, this is a sign of flailing desperation to keep a sinking ship from going under.

The Browns, on the other hand, are finally experiencing a relief from the pressure they've been experiencing so long from fans who are finally just happy to have a team that doesn't utterly embarass them. Romeo Crennel might actually get to keep his job if things continue for them the way they have been. It's typical in the modern NFL to track the progress of one team falling against another one rising, but it's interesting to see it happen to two teams in one state so closely tied to each other, particularly considering the Bengals just recently made the journey from futility to near greatness so quickly, only to seemingly lapse back into the same state they were in for so long in the 90s.

For Browns fans, their team is beginning to make fans hopeful for the kind of greatness not seen for that team since the heady days of the 80s, when Kosar, Mack and Metcalf roamed the Cleveland field. Obviously, this current team has a long way to go before approaching that level, but it's certainly better so far than the soul-crushing eras and personnel that have come and gone between them. (And far better than the years with no Cleveland football at all.)

Of course, in the NFL things can change quickly. The Colts defense was just as berated, and was nearly as ineffective as the Bengals defense is, and they came on late in the season to contribute heavily to a Super Bowl win. Likewise, the Browns' newfound hope and glory could evaporate quickly as the season goes on, Anderson could go in the tank, the QB controversy could rise again, and Crennel could be unceremoniously bounced from the job. It's certainly a story still in the telling.

But for now, down is up in Ohio, the Browns are respectable, and the Bengals are terrible. Well, at least half of the Bengals, at any rate.

SEC Football!?!?

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 11:20:56 EDT

Another great weekend in the SEC started with a shocker in South Carolina. While I didn't predict Spurrier to lose this game (who did?), I did feel Vanderbilt could give the old ball coach a scare. With their minds on the Volunteers the following weekend, the Gamecocks failed to give the Commodores the respect they deserved, rotating their quarterbacks, as mentioned on this week's Bleacher Bloggers and at the cool chicken.com, and paid dearly for it. They really did appear poised to make a run at playing in the SEC Championship game. That opportunity, however, now seems dashed.

Speaking of the Volunteers, how could anyone have predicted the massacre they took at the hands of the Crimson Tide? So let's think about this — Alabama lost to Georgia, who lost to Tennessee who lost to Alabama. The SEC blood bath continues as each team takes the other out, seemingly destroying everyones chances to play for the National Championship. Would anyone be surprised if the Gators won the rest of their games and faced off against LSU in the SEC Championship game?

Imagine how great that matchup would be on a neutral playing field. Now that we're on the topic of the Gators — who beat Kentucky, who beat LSU, who beat the Gators — if you haven't heard already, here is an amazing statistic. Tim Tebow has not only been involved in over 90 percent of all Gator passing plays this season, but also in over 40 percent of their running plays. That's over two-thirds of a team's offense whose only heart breaking loss came at the hands of the LSU Tigers. Can someone say Heisman trophy please? My money is on him winning it next year as a junior.

The battle between the Tigers(es) took place this week when LSU took down Auburn. The Tigers of LSU came out on top with a final play that has people wondering when Miles' risky play calling will come back to bite him. Had the pass been thrown poorly or the defender had a little more sense of the play that was being called, the outcome of the game would have gone the Auburns way. Fortunately for LSU, Miles still looks like a genius and LSU's title hopes are still alive — for now.

A bit off topic but seeing as how I'm originally from Miami and the Dolphins seem to be in the lead for the chance to get the number one pick in next years draft I believe it's time to start wondering who will go numero uno. A season ending injury to star running back Ronnie Brown has me leaning toward Darren McFadden. The team's struggles with quarterbacks, however, are just to difficult to avoid. They did draft John Beck last year so it will be interesting to see how he plays once the team decides to finally put the kid in the game. And seriously, I can't believe they are going to London next week, what in the heck is that about?

Photos courtesy of 3rdsaturdayinblogtober.wordpress.com

Check Out These Videos

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 16:36:03 EDT

Hey all.
Found a couple of funny videos. Check 'em out.

This one's from CSTV.com.

This video is from the FanHouse.

Enjoy.

Don't Leave, Kobe

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 14:18:50 EDT

Kobe, you're the greatest basketball player of my generation and you're killing me.

I remember when you first announced your entry into the draft and I kept asking my dad, "Is he really that good?" You were skinny and bald but you showed flashes of greatness even in your rookie season. You didn't deserve to go to the All-Star game that year, but after attacking MJ with some pretty moves, you showed why you deserved to come back.

There were struggles, sure, but then Shaq and Phil arrived and a bright new day dawned for the Lakers. Watching you guys destroy team after team en route to three championships made me very happy and I'll always be grateful for those years. Even though you and Shaq could never get along, you both have special places in my heart. Those places aren't adjacent because no matter what you two say, I'm afraid what would happen if you were both locked in a chamber together, but you're both somewhere in there.

Then Shaq left and you stayed, Kobe. You were always my favorite, so as long as you stayed with the team I was okay. And even though the Lakers struggled, it's still been a treat to watch you split double teams and dismantle entire defenses. I also think you're passing ability is severely underrated.

But now this.

Now you've asked to be traded and this time it looks like it might actually happen. Jerry Buss even said that he has to treat your demands as a business move, but we all know that's impossible. Jerry Buss loves you like a son. When you made mistakes the Lakers never hesitated to support you. Jerry Buss may look like Jerry Stiller but he's always been dead serious about protecting your back. And now you want to turn your back on him.

Is this another demand for respect? I can understand if it is. Your emotional development was permanently crippled as a youngster; you were always developing your prodigious abilities on the court to the detriment of your social skills off it. Your need to prove yourself has always pushed you to succeed and exceed expectations. If you weren't an emotional cripple I doubt you'd be the same dominant player. Leaving the team that's given you so much (and I'm not just talking about money) would certainly give you another challenge to meet.

But before you pack your bags, consider this, Kobe.

You have a wife and two children. You have three NBA championships. You're widely regarded as the best basketball player in the world today. You don't need to quit the Lakers to prove how good you can be. I already know.

A Game Without Porpoise

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 11:02:27 EDT

In just a few short days, the NFL makes its way across the pond and invades England. That's right UK, lock up your women and children, the Giants and Dolphins are coming to town!

Wait, is that right? The Dolphins?? Seriously? This is the best we can do? A winless bunch of scrubs? Look, we don't have many allies left, should we really be burning bridges with our biggest one?

The Dolphins are a terrible football team. Abysmal, horiffic, revolting ... and that's on a good day. And now they've lost Ronnie Brown, the one guy on their team worth watching. This is not going to be pretty.

England has given us so much over the years. Tea; The Beatles; Kate Moss; The Office. And this is how we repay them? By sending them an 0-7 football team with a quarterback named Cleo? They don't even have Chris Chambers anymore. Why on earth would anyone watch them?

This would be like England giving us a really good soccer player and him sucking when he gets here. Could you imagine how lame that would be. ... Oh wait, that just happened? My bad.

But seriously, if Roger Goodell wants to jack up interest in American football around the world, this IS NOT the way to do it. How about sending the Patriots? Or the Colts? Or even the Raiders? At the very least, the Oakland fan base could teach the Brits a thing or two about hooliganism. You want to see the right way to urinate on a fellow fan ... go to a Raiders game.

So here we sit, less than a week away from the first NFL regular season game in Europe and we face an international crisis. A crisis that can set foreign relations back 100 years. I beg you Commissioner Goodell, as an American citizen, please cancel this game. Send an actual Dolphin instead. One of those really cool ones that can catch a Frisbee and whistle the alphabet. Or just send the Dolphin cheerleaders. They're pretty hot. Anything would be better than the actual team.

But hold up ... on second thought ... we've had to put up with the Spice Girls, Simon Cowell, Coldplay and Madonna (yes, I consider her to be British) for far too many years now. I change my mind. Screw them. Send the actual Dolphins. I hope they lose by forty.

Take that, England. Cheerio.